January 27, 2012

Am i a human?

i like to eat, i know many people like to eat, but i think i like to eat more than other people like to eat SLIGHTLY,hahaha. How do i explain this? .......okay,
 i will eat a lot when i am unhappy,
 i will even eat when i am not hungry,
i will ask food from the kids when they are eating snack,
see, i am not only like to eat, i am also avarice. 


perhaps that eating can fulfill some kind of my lust, fulfill my fullness, i feel better after eat.
Basically, i will eat everything except seafood, (fishes are excluded from seafood to me). Everything mean normal food, food that can be found everywhere, but it is not weird things like spider, scorpion, snake, and also the organ of animals.


After my surgery, i had pratice healthy eating habit, at the begining, my meal is almost purely healthy,i mean the food i eat is strictly not cooking oil, but only cold press olive oil,


organic seasalt instead of normal sodium chlorine


eating fruit juice everyday, only i skipped sometimes during the weekend.


i pratice and follow the guideline from the camps that i learnt in the healthfarm.


Slowly afterthat, i slacked, and for my mother convenience, i started to accept normal cooking oil. Cause my family member ,they do not adept to my pure eating habit, they can't eat without cooking oil. And somemore, cold press olive oil cannot used to fry , not be able to tolerate high temperature, or else, it will become unhealthy too. (i forgot the reason)




After about 2 months of surgery, it was Chinese New Year2012, which is this year. I came back to my home town, i went to eat , i ate asam laksa(almost half a bowl), i drink 十全汤, a chinese tradisional herb soup which use duck to cook. These foods are the food that i shouldn't eat because i just completed a surgery, sommore, my skin is very sensitive, i got allergic, i got enzyma. and these recent years, i used to scartch my feet, hence my feet always bleeding, or some sort of liquid things will came out from the cut, and due overexposed to scratching, my feet surface become so lousy, just imagine the feet of 90 years old people. thats mine.perhaps because i always see them , i used to the condition of my feet ady,i mean i dun think its worse, its healing slowly.


But from other people'spespective, they are so shock and often throw out very exaggerate responde.






I think that i am so stupid, i am so frustrated of myself. Since i ate asam laksa and 鸭汤,i got the so called "nana" appeared on my face, my palm(now almost dissapear), and 7 SEVEN BIG Nana on my right feet!!!


I hate it!
I'm hating not because it let my feet look worse
I'm hating not because it make me to walk like disabled, and people see me often because of that. (i don't think u all can imagine how unplesant my feet look like, even people they will notice me before they see my face)
I am really to accept all the consequence if my got nana. 




I hate it because i hate myself.
Me! 
i will often scratch on my feet even i will itchy............many people who did care about me told me, they even scold me, they use whatever way so that i will not scratch my feet,they knew my condition as they see me everyday.................i sometimes cannot control, i know the action that i did will make my feet worsen, but when its itchy.......u know?!




Today, just a few moment ago, i went to eat supper with my family and relative. I am soooooo hate that i couldn't eat, because of the nana. Even the food that i can eat before this, i also cannot eat right now. For instance, i can eat fried mee that cook with prawn, sotong. I won't the prawn and sotong, but i can eat the fried mee. A


And today, i can't eat!!!!
i am so frustrate of myself,
why am i so avarice, 
why i just control myself?






just now seeing my relative eating.
i'm ponder
how good if i am sleep with tied on limbs, two hands and two feets,(so that i won't be able to scratch)


but think from one point,
Am i a gorrila? why i should sleep with tied?
thought human is animal
but human is the highest class animal,
possess the high IQ compare to others
human can think, act,control their lust and therefore should be respondsible about the consequence about their action.




I hate myself!!
why i can't control myself??
why i can't do things even simple like that?


i have had been a teacher who teach student , i had been teaching them how to behave well, all the custom that pratice in Malaysia, must called "aunty" when u met aunty........
i should be very mature
but i think i am only physically mature,
and 
i think all the everythings i did in school,
is only a streorotype!
In another word, i am wearing mask
a beautify mask when i become a teacher.






I hate myself!
In fact, i enjoy teaching people, maybe its strerotyping only.
I don't think i am wearing  a mask when i go to school.


why?
A teacher can teach student not do these, not to do that
but why i can't not to scartch?!
why?
Am i not a human?


(p/s: if i am a human, i suppose to can control myself)




Sorry, i am so moody right now, just now, sitting with my relative who ate fried rice, i even felt like wanna cry.
I think i have to at least be able to control myself, 
i must make myself try to avoid from fried food, eat only healthy food....


if my aunty can follow the rules 10 years, why i cant?1


I really hope that in the future time, i can open can fast healthy food franchise, and its operating 24 hours, so that people like me, or vegetarian, they can found food outside, just like any other normal people~!!!!


Good bye people! 
I hate myself!